The Funeral Oration of Trumpicles

So, as we wait for anything resembling a presidential address from Trump, we might begin thinking about the most telling features of Trump rhetoric by imaginatively placing him in well known rhetorical situations of the past.  It has some humorous potential, but, as I'll suggest in future posts, I think there's some insight to be gained from what seems like just silliness.

In that spirit, we have the Funeral Oration of Pericles, as delivered in alternative universe by Trump. (If you want to look at the original, one translation can be  found here).





[ENTER TRUMPICLES, STANDING BEFORE THE PEOPLE OF ATHENS AND THE REMAINS OF THOSE WHO DIED IN BATTLE DURING THE FIRST YEAR OF THE  PELOPONNESIAN WAR]

So folks, we’re gonna talk about these dead guys.  Personally, I like people who weren’t killed in battle.  But hey, you gotta do it.  You just gotta do it.  And believe me, this is the biggest, classiest funeral Athens has ever had.

Now, it’s just too bad that these guys aren’t around to hear me say such nice things about them, because trust me: I make the best orations.  Everyone says so.  In fact, I’m gonna talk so good about these fellas that some of you might not believe me.  You’ll say to yourself, “There’s no way these guys were as great as Trump says!” And the lying Athenian press will say I’m making things up.  “Trump’s exaggerating again!”  That’s what they’ll say. Especially the failing Athens Times.

But trust me: it’s all true, folks.  Just don’t get jealous that I’m saying such nice things about them. You might actually end up wishing you were dead like these guys so I’d be saying great things about you. But don’t worry.  I think you’re the best, too.  I love the non-valiantly-killed-in-battle!

I like seeing all those “MAGA” hats out there: “Make Athens Great Again.” Because you know what, Athens used to be great, and we’re gonna make it great again.  We used to do so much winning in this polis—we were conquering places left and right.  I mean, how great were our forefathers? The best, right? They were the absolute best.  

And what made them so awesome was that they wrote this beautiful constitution that helped even the losers and haters.  I mean, believe me, one of the best things about me is I’m so rich. Obviously, most people want to be me.  But even if you’re a total failure, we still don’t discriminate against you. Of course, who knows? Maybe we should. 

And how about our luxury, folks?  I mean seriously!  If you want to take it easy, you can stay at a Trump hotel or play a Trump golf course.  The absolute classiest establishments you’ll ever see.  You think they’ve got things like that in Corinth or Argos? Not even close!  And we’re gonna put gold plating on those great big beautiful walls down to the Piraeus, and we’re gonna make Sparta pay for it! 

[PAUSE FOR APPLAUSE]

Next, folks, we gotta talk about our military.  Are they some kinda fighters or what?  Way better than those losers in Sparta.  You know how I know that? Because when they come to invade our territory, they’re not bringing just themselves. They’re bringing their Arcadians, their Messenians, their Boeotians.  And some, I assume, are good fighters. But we still kick the shit out of them!  Because you’ve got me, Trump!  I know more than all the generals combined!

And another great thing about Athens is you’ve got people like me running things—people who have our own businesses.  Listen, I don’t need this.  I’ve got plenty of money and power, yet I agree to run the government!  I’m not one of these inside-the-Acropolis types who’s just in it for themselves.  I’m doing it because I love this great polis, and I’m the only one who can fix it!

So, what I’m saying is that Athens is kind of like the Trump University for the rest of Greece. Everyone wants to be like us.  We’re the absolute best!   And if anybody takes us on, we kick their asses.  And it’s almost like they’re proud to have their asses kicked by us.  That’s just how good we are, folks. 

Now I’ve talked a lot about how great Athens is, and that’s because we have to remember that these guys here croaked for a pretty awesome place.  Now they’re dead and have blood coming out of their wherever, but we’re gonna remember them as the guys who helped keep you alive to enjoy Trump steaks, Trump vodka, and all the other Trump stuff that makes this polis the best.

And you need to keep these guys in mind, because you have to do as much for Trump . . . I mean Athens . . .as they did! So be like them!  Don’t be a loser! 

Now some of you parents are probably pretty broken up about your kids being dead.  It’s sad! I mean, just the thought of my daughter Ivanka dying and that smokin’ bod being six feet under . . . what a waste!  But guys, listen, a lot of you can still knock up some chick and have more kids. Maybe not with your wife, but find some young piece of ass on the side and just move on her like a bitch.  And if you’re famous, you can just do anything to them . . . grab ‘em by the pussy. 

And you sons and brothers of these dead guys, I hate to say it, but you’re probably gonna feel like losers for not being as great as these guys were. That’s just the facts.

As for you, ladies, let me just say this: it’s very hard for a woman who’s lamenting to be a “10”.  The mascara’s running and the eyes are all puffy and all that.  Very unattractive!  And by the way, no man wants a broad who’s a loudmouth.  So the best thing for you to do is just be quiet.

So that’s it folks.  And I gotta say, I think that was the best funeral oration ever.  You’re not gonna hear a better one anytime soon, that’s for sure.  Grab some complimentary Trump bottled water on the way out.